By Martin Bemberg
In. One can be in love with someone. If this way of being in is sufficient, I'd suggest being inside them. That is, if you are a man. But have no fear, queers! One lover mustn't be a man in order for you to be inside them. Some may disagree, but these people often have a rod shoved painfully far up their asses, which causes them to lose touch with reality (see: "with," "up"). Once you are inside your lover, it can be quite difficult not to have a special place in your heart for them. If this is not the case, I'd suggest you reconsider your values, but this may just be me having a monogamy rod shoved painfully far up my ass.
With can be special but it doesn't have to be. You can physically be with someone even if you do not necessarily love them. (See: "monogamy rod.") But being with someone can also denote commitment, connection and intimacy (see: "monogamy rod"). A woman can be with child, and hopefully that is the product of love. Sometimes it is not, which I find unfortunate, but just because I see it that way does not mean it has to be (again, see…oh never mind, you get the picture). One activity which can be especially effective in building intimacy is getting drunk with someone, but beware, this can also be especially bad and lead not to building intimacy but eroding it. However, when it is special, inebriation with a lover can swiftly lead to euphoria and almost always to sex, which is something you have and share with someone, unless you prefer to go solo (or maybe you use both hands, who knows.) But be careful with "with." With is not always positive. Watch out when your lover is angry with you. This may lead to his beating you with his bare hands. (The female version of this is known as "passive aggression" or "withholding sex.") He or she might end up wanting to have nothing to do with you. This is especially unfortunate when she is with child and that child is yours (though less responsible men might refer to this as "being off the hook").
At is the most expressive and creative love preposition. This is why it is my favorite. Few things are more exciting than presenting oneself at a potential lover's doorstep, unannounced, and shouting, as if from a mountaintop, "Here I am! Come and take me, my sweet Rick!" This can also lead to disaster, especially if your lover has a lover at his or her home at the time. Unfortunately, sometimes our lovers are at the end of their rope with us (see: "with"). When it comes to love, we often find ourselves saying things like, "Well, it seemed like a good idea at the time." This is most common after a heterosexual male has experienced a close encounter of the 69th kind, that is, with a transexual (about whose orientation he "claims" to have not known about - see: "about") in the back of a taxi cab. Often such a heterosexual male will "claim" that someone must have drugged him, but do not believe this for a minute. The only acceptable explanation is "It seemed like a good idea at the time." Indeed. One can be mad at their lover, sad at their lover. Often these two emotions are the result of one being drunk at his or her lover. When using at, drunk is never a good idea. Try "with" instead (see: "with"). When talking about drunkenness, about works in about the same way.
About connotes emotional connection in the same way "with" connotes a physical one, and is therefore exclusively negative. A good rule is to without "about." And remember, it is not a good idea to be drunk about your lover, the exception being when you're just going to have one more.
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